San Francisco Zoo Letting People Adopt Scorpions and Cockroaches as a "Valentine" for Their Ex

(Source) - Feeling the sting of rejection? Itching to get even with an ex? The San Francisco Zoo is offering the burned and spurned masses the chance to "adopt" a hissing cockroach or giant scorpion in honor of their special ex-someone for Valentine's Day.

The zoo is highlighting two of its less-desirable inhabitants through the adopt-an-animal program that is usually used to raise money for the care of more cuddly or attractive creatures, such as penguins, lions and pandas. It has a Valentine's special comparing the creepy characteristics of Madagascar hissing cockroaches and the giant hairy scorpions native to the Southwest U.S. to the ways of heart-breaking mammals with two legs.

"These invertebrates are aggressive, active, and alarmingly nocturnal. Much like your low-life ex, they are usually found in and around low-elevation valleys where they dig elaborate burrows or 'caves,' " the zoo says on its promotion page for the desert scorpion. "Also just like you-know-who, when a suitable victim wanders by, the scorpion grabs the doomed creature with its pinchers and stings the prey ... Charming."

For $50 and up, donors can adopt a scorpion and have the zoo send a certificate and stuffed stinger to the person who inspired the adoption. The cockroach valentine that the zoo says represents "the detritus of your love life" costs $25

Hey San Francisco Zoo, you know what?  Go fuck yourself.  As if Valentine's Day isn't shitty enough, now not only do I have to deal with the actual relationship pains, now I have to worry about some lunatic from my past paying $25 to basically tell me I'm a piece of human garbage?  I know I'm a piece of human garbage.  All of my friends are also human garbage and they know it too.  But just because we all know it's true it doesn't mean we go around talking about it.  No one needs that nonsense shoved right in their grill.  You don't walk up to big fatty and call him a giant sack of shit, that's mean as fuck.  You silently acknowledge his massive size and give yourself an extra six inches when you pass in case of a sudden shift of weight.

And who are the weirdos that buy their exes certificates and stuffed stingers?  What kind of a person goes to a zoo looking for revenge?  That's bananas! There's lions and pandas and monkeys around, why are you spending all of your time in the dark, damp insect part of the zoo.  Jesus, no wonder you're alone.  I wouldn't even look at that building let alone actually go in. 

On second thought I kind of have to respect the hustle on the San Francisco Zoo Insect House here.  If you have the creepiest, crawliest, most unappealing animal exhibit on the planet earth, any gimmick is a good gimmick.  God knows people aren't coming in for the product.  Plus, the money goes to helping penguins and pandas so naturally I'm all for it.  First time in the history of anything that cockroaches and scorpions were useful, put it in the books.