Before everyone goes and throws a fit over my saying this, sit back and shut your lips and listen for five fucking seconds. First of all, Derek Jeter is a phenomenal baseball player and if you think otherwise you're an ignorant piece of gutter trash. We're talking about a guy who has hit a career .308 over 20 years in arguably the best pitching era of all time, OBP close to .380, 5 Golden Gloves, 5 Silver Sluggers, 14 All Star Games, and 5 World Series titles. Absolutely lights out numbers in an insanely competetive era, and above all he did it clean.* The guy inspired an entire generation of kids to fall in love with the game and gave baseball legitimate celebrity and likability during a period of turmoil post-steroid era.
With that said, fuck these Yankee farewell tours. Mariano Rivera last year? Pff, please. I get that he's the greatest closer of all time, sick. Greg Maddux didn't do this shit when we walked away, Randy Johnson didn't. And those two guys were 300 game winners. Say what you want about Mo's records - they're unbreakable, they're amazing, blah, blah, blah - there is absolutely ZERO chance I'm more impressed by big numbers from a closer than I am by two guys in the 300 win club, especially in this day and age. Relievers get more opportunities than ever before to win games and starters get less, and those guys still fucking did it. Greg Maddux had 17 straight seasons of 15+ wins. Let that sink in...meanwhile Mariano Rivera gets chairs made out of bats for being extremely efficient for an inning at a time. You tell me what's more impressive.
Rivera was one things, but now Jeter seriously needs to spend 6 months doing this garbage too? As if we don't talk about the Yankees enough, as if we weren't sucking off Jeter enough, now we need to roll out the red carpet and shower him with gifts as he hits a mediocre .270 and hobbles off into the Hall of Fame? Dude, we pay enough attention to you Derek, and I fully understand the impact you've had on the game of baseball and the insides of thousands of vaginas. Everlasting stuff, really it is. But give it a rest, you don't need this you've already had more than enough for a hundred lifetimes.
*I think I kind of miss steroids. Like I hated Barry Bonds and then a few days ago I watched a highlight video of him smashing balls into McCovey Cove (much like Jeter smashed his balls into Minka Kelly's Cove) and fell in love with the steroid era all over again. I like watching beefed up superhumans destroy baseballs and rewrite the history books based on lies, sue me.
PS - I would hate this so much less if he didn't play for the Yankees, fuck that team so hard.
PPS - Everyone's seen in but this still might be the most impressive stat of Jeter's career...Yeah Jeets!
Can you imagine being able to say JUSTIN TIMBERLAKE got your sloppy seconds???? Infinite respect. Infinite.
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