In His Will, Dean Smith Left Every Former Player of His $200 to Enjoy a Good Meal

Dean Smith. Legend.  Not really much else to say here.  Such a savvy move from one of the greatest coaches to ever live.  Sneaky dig at the NCAA, legitimate appreciation for his guys.  Love every bit of it.  Almost two months after he dies the guy is still putting on a clinic in the dick swingin' department.  


Q:   Who is the only person who could keep Michael Jordan from scoring 20?


A:   Dean Smith.


That's alpha and omega type shit.  You wanna talk about presence?  Try reigning in one of the most arrogant, competitive, demanding athletes in the history of sports without hearing so much as a peep from him in college.  Nothing, Nada, Zilch. Dean Smith owned his gym and very few will ever match the type of influence he had on the game of basketball as a whole.  RIP

California Named Number One State for Business, Not Really Shocking Because We Sorta Dominate in Most Categories

Source - There are plenty of reasons to presume that California must be a bad place to do business. The Tax Foundation says the state's tax structure is the third worst for business in the U.S. Forbes ranks California's business costs fifth highest among the 50 states and its regulatory environment the eighth most burdensome.

Why then does the market, where buyers and sellers determine relative value, show otherwise? California-based companies surpass their competitors in the U.S. by most measures of performance favored by investors.

Since January 2011, when Edmund G. "Jerry" Brown Jr., became governor for the third time, the 63 publicly traded California companies in the Standard & Poor's 500 produced the best total return among the five states with the largest populations. California companies in the S&P 500 delivered returns of 134 percent; the closest big-state challenger was Florida, whose S&P companies had an 82 percent return, according to data compiled by Bloomberg. Texas-based companies delivered 52 percent during the period.

The revenue from technology companies may be the most revealing measure of how successfully California business deals with disruption. As of this month, the trailing 12-month revenue of technology companies in the state was $715 billion, or 52 percent of technology company sales in the U.S. New York was No. 2 with 11 percent, followed by Washington's 7 percent, Massachusetts' 4 percent and Virginia's 3 percent.

The exceptional performance of California companies helps explain why (with no official gross domestic product data available yet) the state would have the world's seventh largest economy if it were a country, bigger than Brazil's, which saw its GDP decline in 2014. Here's the rough calculation: Companies based in California grew 4.7 percent during the first three quarters of last year. Using 4.7 percent as a proxy for the growth of the market capitalization of California, the total market cap of the state grew to $2.3 trillion from $2.2 trillion in 2013. (Brazil’s GDP declined 1 percent from $2.25 trillion in the first three quarters of 2014 as its exports of raw materials fell.) As of March 10, 33 California companies are included in the 500 largest companies in the world. At the end of 2009, when the U.S. was recovering from the worst recession since the Great Depression, there were only 24 California companies in the Global 500, according to Bloomberg data.





Call it snobbish, call me a dick, facts are facts.  California just crushing life as per usual.  I'm not saying that I understand what all of that stuff means because believe me I don't, but I definitely like what I'm hearing.  More productive, better work, accounting for over half of the technology company sales in the entire county, almost five times as much as second place.  We added 8 new companies to the top 500 in the world list during one of the worst recessions in the history of our country.  Can't stop, won't stop bitches.  Add that to the lost list of accomplishments.  Best weather, best scenery, best nightlife, best food, hottest girls.  And the crazy thing is we are only going to get stronger.  Pretty much every successful tech company aims to make the move out to the west coast, those numbers are only going to continue to grow.  Think about it.  California is the greatest farm system of all time, it just so happens to be for the tech industry.  California is to computers what Cuba is to baseball.  There's just something in the water*.


Pretty crazy that a state full of stoners can produce at such a high level.  It's like watching Doc Ellis throw that no-no while he was zonked out of his skull on LSD.  Every part of this doesn't really make any sense but here we are. 100 years from now California will be so rich that they'll be able to buy the rest of the country if that is even possible.  I saw the word "trillion" and my brain just took over for a minute.














*What little water we have

ISIS is Apparently Teaming Up With Another Group of Crazy Islamic Extremists from Africa

Source - In an audio message purportedly from an ISIS spokesman, the group announced that a pledge of allegiance from Nigerian-based Boko Haram has been accepted by ISIS leader Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi.

The 28-minute message, which cannot be independently authenticated by CNN, was posted online by ISIS supporters.

The message says that the caliphate, or Islamic State, has expanded to western Africa and congratulated "our jihadi brothers" there.

The spokesman, Abu Mohammed al Adnani, encourages people to join fighters in Africa if they cannot make it to Iraq or Syria.

Boko Haram's leader, Abubakar Shekau, announced in an audio message last week that the Islamist terror group was going to ally with ISIS.

Jacob Zenn, a terror expert who lives in Nigeria, told CNN on Saturday the alliance would make sense for both groups.




Now I know what a lot of you guys are probably thinking.  This is trouble.  ISIS teaming up with these nutjobs in Africa is bad news for everyone.  It means they are moving, it means they are expanding, so the fuck what?  This doesn't change a thing about anything.  One small psychotic terrorist organization teaming up with another small psychotic terrorist organization means barely anything in the grand scheme of things.  ISIS is still priority one.  They publicized the alliance as an intimidation tactic and instead ended up giving us a new hunting ground.

 Seriously though, what is the deal with the public announcement of this alliance?  Am I the only one who thinks that seems like a bush league move for an international terrorist organization.  Kinda desperate really.  Oh look at me I'm ISIS and I'm making alliances with a group whose name translated into english means "Western Education is sin."  That's cool. Western education might be sin, but it's also a really big part of why western culture has things like running water, electricity and the internet.  Not just a few of us either, I'm talking like everyone.  

I'm sorry but I just can't take a group seriously when they go to war in flip flops.  






PS - It's probably just dirt but all I could think about when I looked at their sandals/feet was Ashy Larry.  That racist?  LMK.

Clippers Status: Fourth Quarter Update

Right now we are essentially 75% done with the NBA regular season.  This is where the playoff picture comes to form.  Right now, we are sitting in the middle of the pack with the 5 seed.

In an ideal world, we manage to stay around 4-5 and meet up against Houston or Portland in the first round.  We can control the ball with CP3 and overpower the smaller Houston front court.  Yes, Dwight is huge but so is Deandre Jordan, and Blake Griffin versus Terrence Jones is not even a real debate.  Portland is the same story.  Too big, too strong, too easy.

I want to say we match up well with the Spurs too, but they are just one of those teams that can turn it on in the playoffs.  They play team basketball, they have depth, and they have the best coach in the league.  I know better than that, the Spurs are an absolute threat, Dallas on the other hand is not.  For whatever reason, the Rondo trade doesn't seem to be having any positive impact on the Mavs.  As far as I'm concerned, us against them is a no brainer.  We walk all over them.  Dirk will get worn out by the athleticism of our bigs, he's too old to bang with guys like D and Blake.  Rondo is manageable, Chandler Parsons hasn't done anything to 'wow' me since he got paid, and even if he had, Matt Barnes can hold him in check.

And despite being the current 8 seed, OKC scares the living shit out of me.  Russell Westbrook has been playing pretty well the last few weeks, he got the team back to their winning ways in February, but they are still playing without Kevin Durant.  After the development of Kevin Durant last year in Westbrook's absence and the current evolution of Westbrook himself, the idea of those two together on the court in the postseason is a bone chilling thought.  Two of the most ruthless assassins basically giving it one last push for a title.  Russell will be off to succeed Kobe as the heir to the Laker throne and KD supposedly is interested in heading back home.  Assuming they are together for the playoffs, watch out.

But, in reality, seeds 3-7 are all separated by 3.5 games so it's a total crap shoot.  It looks okay for now, but something tells me we will get stuck with the Spurs to kick it all off.  We can definitely beat them.  We have the size, depth, and athleticism.  And with Chris running point and controlling the tempo of the game, that takes a little wind out of their sails.  At this point, it's all theoretical anyways.

A Couple Immigrants Threw Out 400 Pounds of Weed While the Cops Chased Them and Caught it on Camera

Source - A dash-cam video released by Arizona’s Pinal County sheriff shows officers in high-speed pursuit of a white 2006 Chevrolet Trailblazer. Someone inside is tossing bales of marijuana from the car’s window not just once, but over and over and over again.

Exceeding speeds of more than 100 mph, the car chase ended after deputies deployed spike strips, forcing the suspects to continue on foot before being taken into custody, according to the sheriff’s office. The suspects, identified as Mario Perez-Paz and Juan Aguilar-Zavala, indicated to police that they were offered $1,000 by a woman to drive the car to pick up “unknown packages.” Pinal County Sheriff Paul Babeu said in a statement: “These foreign drug smugglers try to outrun our deputies and even throw bales of marijuana from their vehicle. We caught these criminals who put our deputies and our local citizens in harm’s way and now they will go to prison for their crimes.”

A total of 374 pounds of marijuana was recovered from the road, but four or five other vehicles took the opportunity to stop and grab bales for themselves. Those bales were not recovered, the sheriff’s office said.




Lots of criminal related stuff today.  Death penalties, immigrants chucking giant bricks of weed out of windows.  Whole world is going to hell.  Just as an added note, having a white Chevy Trailblazer is basically like shouting from the rooftops that you are somehow involved in illegal shit.  Such a scumbag car.  But not bad scumbag.  I'm talking good scumbag, like degenerate burnout scummy.  Not like rapey scummy.  Come on guys.

Also, I think we need more detail about the personal thoughts of the "suspects" while this whole fiasco was occuring.  Were Mario and Juan ditching this shit because they were afraid of the drug charges, or were they trying to get rid of it to make the cops stop?  Seriously think about it, what's worse - getting caught with 400 pounds of pot or being an illegal immigrant in the state of Arizona?  That is legitimately a great question.  Arizona despises illegal immigrants.  And weed is getting more and more legal as we speak.  













PS - I would bet all the money in the world that Juan was the one throwing heat out the back window.  Whoever it was, they were flat out slingin' 'em.  Mario's can't throw like that, they just can't.  Driving 100+ mph and dodging traffic, on the other hand, is the perfect job for a Mario.

Utah to Become the Only State to Allow Firing Squad to Carry out the Death Penalty

Source - Lawmakers have passed a bill that would make Utah the only state to allow firing squads for carrying out a death penalty if there is a shortage of execution drugs.

The passage of the bill by the state Senate on Tuesday comes as states struggle to obtain lethal injection drugs amid a nationwide shortage.

The bill's sponsor, Republican Rep. Paul Ray of Clearfield, touted the measure as being a more humane form of execution. Ray argued that a team of trained marksmen is faster and more humane than the drawn-out deaths that have occurred in botched lethal injections.

The bill gives Utah options, he said. "We would love to get the lethal injection worked out so we can continue with that but if not, now we have a backup plan," Ray told The Associated Press.

Opponents, however, said firing squads are a cruel holdover from the state's wild West days and will earn the state international condemnation. "I think Utah took a giant step backward," said Ralph Dellapiana, director of Utahns for Alternatives to the Death Penalty. He called firing squads "a relic of a more barbaric past."

Utah is one of several states to seek out new forms of capital punishment after a botched Oklahoma lethal injection last year and one in Arizona that took nearly two hours for the condemned man to die. Legislation to allow firing squads has been introduced in Arkansas this year. In Wyoming, a measure to allow firing squads if the lethal drugs aren't available died. In Oklahoma, lawmakers are considering legislation that would allow the state to use nitrogen gas to execute inmates.



Check out Utah trying to swing some dick over here.  So itchy to kill motherfuckers that they are trying to reinstate illegal forms of execution.  Whenever I think of Utah it's just Mormons and skiing, and then there's the Olympics but it just jumps back to skiing.  So weird to see the other side of it all.  The side where they are actively pursuing new and improved ways to end the lives of the world's worst.  Turns out Utah is basically just Texas with snow and mountains and stuff.  And instead of football they have The Church of Latter Day Saints.  Instead of Roger Staubach, they have Joseph Smith.  I get it now.  Same dynamic, different focus.  Still not sure about Mormons, no legitimate distaste them, just wary is all.  I feel like you gotta keep you head on a swivel around a Mormon.

The bigger issue here might be the fact that we are experiencing a nationwide lethal drug shortage.  That just flat out is not true whatsoever.  People are dying from drugs literally all over the place.  Every hour of every day of every week of every month of the year.  Why not just take all of the confiscated heroine that's just sitting in evidence (according to both television and movies) and dope those suckers up.  It's basically like morphine right?  Wouldn't it be painless?  Did I just solve the crisis?  Where do I pick up my medal?

Great News Guys, Solstice the Sea Turtle is on Her Way Home to Sunny SoCal

Source - A sea turtle that was rescued from frigid Northwest waters and treated at the Oregon Coast Aquarium in Newport is catching a ride back to California on a Coast Guard training flight.

The aquarium says the endangered olive ridley turtle named Solstice is being airlifted Tuesday on a Coast Guard C-130 and will complete her rehabilitation at SeaWorld in San Diego.

Solstice was dehydrated with a body temperature 15 degrees below normal when she was found on the Long Beach Peninsula in southwest Washington.

With the approval of the Fish and Wildlife, Solstice will be released this summer in warmer waters where turtles typically range.

At least five other turtle caught in cold currents this winter were stranded and died on the coast of Washington and Oregon.

Holy cow talk about a close one.  We almost lost Solstice for a second there....As a quick aside, "Solstice" is a horrible name for anything other than a stripper....But fortunately for us, Solstice is going to be okay, our girl is on her way home to finish up her rehab in SeaWorld!  Wait, hasn't SeaWorld recently become pretty notorious for mistreating animals?  Maybe let's just rethink the whole SeaWorld arrangement for a second.  Is that really the best environment for a wounded animal?  They psychologically shattered a 100% healthy(ish) killer whale, can you imagine what they could do to a simple minded turtle like Solstice?  They would ruin her.

Should we maybe be looking into monitoring this whole freezing turtles situation.  "At least five." Aren't turtles like the Snow Leopards of the ocean?  5 is A LOT of fucking sea turtles.  That would be like if 2,000 people just froze to death on the East Coast.  

In Case You Missed It: Philippe Coutinho's Goal From the Other Day Was Filthy

Not a huge soccer guy but I somewhat follow the Premier and Champions League.  This goal is pure filth, only one spot Coutinho could have put that ball and he hit it with deadly accuracy.  Soccer fan or not, game respect game.













PS - Like I said not a huge soccer guy, but I do cheer for Manchester United.  When I first started paying attention to the Champions League soccer, Man U was torching anything and everything in sight, ran the table.  Wayne Rooney, Cristiano Ronaldo, Paul Scholes, Michael Carrick, Ryan Giggs, Rio Ferdinand, Edwin van der Sar in the gal.  That team was the fucking jam.  Not even remotely kidding, that's the exact point in time when Ronaldo became Ronaldo.  40+ goals, lights out all year, the team scored more points than everyone.  Those guys got my attention.  



Since that season Ronaldo honestly probably has not gone more than ten hours without smashing an absolute twelve.  Bet that's cool.





A few of his past adventures include the following, just in case you are interested.












Irina Shayk, Alice Goodwin, Gemma Atkinson, Lucia Villalon (rumored).  In that order.

Here's a List of the Weirdest California Laws Involving Alcohol. I Tried to Fix It

Source - California, mercifully, isn't subject to the Blue Laws that dictate alcohol sales in many other parts of the country. But that doesn't mean we don't have our share of weird liquor laws. Here are a few.

1. Alcohol cannot be displayed within five feet of the cash register if the establishment also sells motor fuel.
   
   
   There's gotta be some old western science behind this one, most likely involving gunplay of some sort. Way over my head but just to be safe, I say we keep it. Keep the booze away from the cash at gas stations. Done.
   
   
   
2. If you're trying to brew enough beer or wine for the apocalypse, be aware: You may not manufacture more than 100 gallons per calendar year. If there are two or more adults in your household, you may make up to 200 gallons.
   Not sure I understand this one.  Is this law apocalypse-specific?  That wouldn't make any sense, if the apocalypse did happen they would be giving away booze like hot cakes.  It's not sit in a bunker for the rest of time, it's go out with a bang.  Live fast, die young in the apocalypse.
   
   
   
3. Even if you're just the hapless server, you can still be held responsible for serving alcohol to a minor who uses a fake ID. It's a misdemeanor, the logic being you should do everything possible to establish a person's real age, including denying them service if the ID looks suspicious.
   
   Considering I look about 15 years old, I'm against this law 100%.  Sure I've been legal for a few years now, but still.  I don't need any waitresses looking harder at my ID, that shit would get old real quick.  I vote that the waitresses shouldn't be responsible for shit besides being pleasant and doing their job.  Boom, decreed.
   
   
   
4. If you want to get your growler refilled with a different beer, the growler's old label must be covered by a new one that includes the identification of the brewery, the name of the beer and other information.
   
   Growlers are a bit out of my league.  I didn't know people still do this, is this a thing?  Are there and big beer guys out there who have growlers that they refill?  Kill this law because I don't get it.  Next.
   
   
5. Any establishment that sells alcohol may not employ anyone who is wearing clothes that expose the "cleft of the buttocks," "any portion of pubic hair" or "any portion of the female breast below the top of the areola."
   
   BLASPHEMY!!!  THIS LAW IS AN ABOMINATION AND ALTHOUGH IT IT TOTALLY AND COMPLETELY 100% IGNORED I DEMAND IT STRICKEN FROM THE STATE CONSTITUTION (if that is in fact where these types of things come from).
   
   Seriously, go back and see when this law was made and when the first woman was given political power and I'd put money that they're right around the same time.  Southern California is built for skin exposure, its why motherfuckers love living here.  This law is straight up preposterous.
   
   
   
6. It used to be legal for the state of California to revoke the liquor license of establishments that served alcohol to gay patrons. This, of course, is not a valid reason not to serve someone so the law was overturned.
   
   Talk about doing a 180.  Used to be that you couldn't sell booze if you were gay and now if any bar in the entire state of California wants to actually thrive, their entire future depends on the gays.  I bet the gays love that - they've got the Man by the balls and they know it.  And every last bit of that pun was intended.
   
   
   
7. Vehicles returning from Mexico can only import 1 liter of alcohol duty-free.
   
   Honestly I only need like five things from Mexico: avocados, tortillas, my second favorite hot sauce, rice, and of course the beautiful and diverse culture that their fine citizens bring with them when they come.  Outside of that I just don't give a shit.  This law is ignored, might as well delete it from the records.
   
   
   
8. It's not an official state regulation, but many stores in California will not allow you to return alcohol. So drink up!
   If you return booze, you're a special kind of asshole.  Once you've opened the bottle of whatever it may be and taken a sip, at that point in time you are an hour from being drunk.  If you waste any of that time complaining or even considering returning it you're just unfocused.  It sucks, who cares - it's game time, get back on the horse.
   I actually have a buddy who has returned 5 craft beers on multiple occasions if they aren't up to par.  Did it once when I was with him buying groceries.  It was unbelievable how uncomfortable I was in that line.  Legit second hand embarrassment.  These people thought he was the biggest piece of shit, and dude was clueless.  Just didn't register why it was weird.  Such an awkward spot.  Never again.

PS - No scantily clad women serving beer and food.  Sick joke.

Some People are Trying to Get Us To Drink Camel's Milk...I'm Out

(This camel's baby looks like its dick at first glance)



Source - Camel milk has been in use for centuries in Middle Eastern, Asian and North African cultures. Recently, some vanguard American farmers have been bringing that tradition to the U.S. And it might be the perfect time to do so because camels, being desert dwellers, are extremely water efficient.

“Did you know that camel milk is highly nutritious and has 10 times more iron and three times more vitamin C than cow’s milk?” Dagmar Midcap asks viewers. “Camel milk is also being used in treating diabetes, autism and Crohn’s disease,” says Midcap.

Besides producing milk, which Gil Riegler says “is the closest milk to human mother’s milk,” the couple also makes specialty products including cosmetics, soaps, lotions, lip balms and chocolate.

“It’s low-fat milk, it’s homogenized naturally, it tastes really good like cow’s milk, it has triple the amount of vitamin C than other milks, it’s high in protein and there are no allergies to it,” says Gil Riegler. It’s a good alternative to cow’s milk for those who are lactose-intolerant because it’s lactose-free.

“This is truly one of nature’s superfoods.”

There’s just one problem: it’s illegal for the couple to sell the milk. “Until the government lifts its restriction on small-batch hand-milked products,” the couple can give people the milk to drink and people can drink the milk, but it’s illegal for it to be bought and sold, says Zimmern.

Until the law is changed, the Rieglers will only sell the specialty products that are made from the camel’s milk. They also offer camel rides, rent out their camels for events and sell camels. At the end of his visit, Zimmern drinks a glass of fresh camel milk. His verdict: “That’s really good … It’s really refreshing … You want another sip.”

Whether I like it or not, LA is on the forefront of "experimental cuisine."  In other words, hipster dickhead assholes take it upon themselves to force weird shitty food down everyone's throats because it's "new" or "in."  Seriously, the midwest should be thanking me.  I have to live life eating through all of this trendy garbage, weeding out all of the bad from what little good there is.  We all do, us normal people up and down the coasts.  By the time that little tidbit of culture finds its way to the middle of the country it's already been polished into a finished product.  You guys live the cake life.

Plus, I'm not about to take advice from a guy who makes a living eating weird shit with weirder fucking people.  Andrew Zimmern, the fuck outta my face with this nonsense.  Oh it's the closest to human milk?  What kind of psychopath wants to drink human milk, Andrew?  Are you some type of real life McPoyle type, was that supposed to be a selling point?  And what exactly is this line supposed to do in trying to convince me?

Camel milk has been in use for centuries in Middle Eastern, Asian and North African cultures

Uh yeah, no duh.  But that's mainly because they don't have some of the luxuries we do have.  Ya know...grass, water - those types of luxuries.  Why change a good thing here guys?  Cow milk is great, cow cheese is great, cow butter is great, and cow meat is great.  Plus, as a whole, cows are very manageable and camels seem pretty unpredictable.  Can you imagine an entire herd of those things running loose across Iowa?  It would be absolute madness.  I say we just vote this one down now and keep it illegal.  The Middle East and Africa need all the camels they can get, at this point let's just let sleeping dogs lie.

#TeamCowMilk 

Maryland Dude Built a Snow Plow With a Very Exposed Toilet That His Balls Will Undoubtedly Get Stuck To Next Time It Snows

Source - Talk about a pooper scooper.  A man in suburban Washington has created a snow plow using a motorized toilet.

David Goldberg of Rockville, Maryland, attached a plow to the motorized toilet, which he had already made for a parade this past summer. The contraption, which he calls "Loo-cy," comes with a toilet paper stand and a magazine rack.

The 55-year-old Goldberg posted a YouTube video of himself sitting on the commode while plowing snow Tuesday in front of a hardware store he owns in Bethesda, Maryland. A winter storm had dumped about 4 inches of snow.

Goldberg says people stopped their cars to get a good look at Loo-cy, with some pointing and laughing and others snapping photos. Goldberg says Loo-cy will be back outside the store Thursday.





I'm from Los Angeles so I don't really fuck with snow because people be freezin' and shit but am I wrong to think this is the dumbest idea of all time?  Obviously no one is gonna start buying these things up, but like why even invent it in the first place?  If you put water in the bowl it only does one of two things.  It either sloshes around all over your balls and leaks onto the seat until eventually pooling between the cheeks, or it freezes.  That's it.  Then all that water freezes your skin to the toilet plow.  Nightmare fucking city.

Strangest part about the story is the fact that this dude didn't put a toilet onto a motorized plow, he attached a plow to a motorized toilet.  Who on this planet has a motorized toilet lying around?  God damned David Goldberg that's who!  And this could just be my racism ignorance talking, but building a motorized snowplowing toilet seems very out of character for a Jew, no?









PS - If every one of these came complimentary with a Forever Lazy and the toilet had seat warmers this blog goes in a whole nother direction.

PPS - Nother should definitely be a word.  Oh, and Hanky Pinky Fuchsia (bonkers spelling on the word "fuchsia"), sup girl?

Kobe Claims Friendship is Impossible for Him Because of How Hard He Works

"Cool friends dude."

                    -Phil Jackson

Source - So how much are you willing to give up? Have you given up the possibility of having friends? Do you have any friends?

I have "like minds." You know, I've been fortunate to play in Los Angeles, where there are a lot of people like me. Actors. Musicians. Businessmen. Obsessives. People who feel like God put them on earth to do whatever it is that they do. Now, do we have time to build great relationships? Do we have time to build great friendships? No. Do we have time to socialize and to hangout aimlessly? No. Do we want to do that? No.We want to work. I enjoy working.

So is this a choice? Are you actively choosing not to have friends? 

Well, yes and no. I have friends. But being a "great friend" is something I will never be. I can be a good friend. But not a great friend. A great friend will call you every day and remember your birthday. I'll get so wrapped up in my shit, I'll never remember that stuff. And the people who are my friends understand this, and they're usually the same way. You gravitate toward people who are like you. But the kind of relationships you see in movies—that's impossible for me. I have good relationships with players around the league. LeBron and I will text every now and then. KG and I will text every now and then. But in terms of having one of those great, bonding friendships—that's something I will probably never have. And it's not some smug thing. It's a weakness. It's a weakness.

Honestly as much as I hate Kobe this is kind of pathetic.  Dude is coming up on the end of his career, finally realizes he has no friends and chalks it up to a result of his work ethic.  Bro, you don't have any friends because you're a complete dick to everyone.  When things aren't going right, you openly point the finger and call people out.  You have a history of bitching and moaning like a little kid when you aren't getting your way.  You ran Phil Jackson out of town only to realize you guys suck without Phil Jackson, at which point you promptly begged for him back.  You let one of the most dominant centers of all time walk because you couldn't set your ego aside and share the spotlight.  As a seasoned veteran and proven leader I might understand that, but at the time Kobe was just a shit-sipping little punk who just had his first successful showing in the Finals.  But he demanded the team and he got it. 

I'm pretty sure everyone on the Lakers right now hates him too.  Like he openly acts like his teammates are peasants, like actual peasants in a medieval hierarchy.  They have to hate his fucking guts.  If not for that, then for the fact that he's getting paid $30 million to take thirty shots per game and make ten.  And when he's not healthy enough to do that he's on the bench complaining about the tarnished glory of the Lakers franchise.  God no wonder he has no friends.  Guy is the worst.

Tosh got it way back when...

Sea Lion Pup Once Again Proves That Sea Lions/Seals are Dope

Source - A family out for a kayak trip in California picked up an unexpected hitchhiker: a sea lion pup that hopped on for a 20-minute ride.

Video aired by KEYT-TV shows the little sea lion enjoying the sunshine on the back of the kayak in Santa Barbara on Saturday.

The family from Orange County says the sea lion hopped up and made itself comfortable, even cuddling up with the dad as he paddled with his kids.

A crowd gathered on the pier to watch as the pup relaxed and enjoyed the journey.



Classic sea lion.  Basically a dog with flippers, gotta love that.  Seeing animals in the wild is cool as fuck, and if you think otherwise you're just a hardo.  But seeing baby animals is even cooler, and seeing a baby animal that wants to play and chill out with you.  That's like hitting the jackpot.  I'm legit jealous of these people, having this happen to you must be the best feeling of all time.  I always thought St. Babs was just full of stoners and bros, but if baby sea lions are hopping into kayaks willy nilly I might have to consider a visit.






PS - Fuck John Palminteri.  I'm not saying you're a pedophile, but you definitely fall into the general physical profile.

Be a bigger wet blanket, dude.  I've only heard of one unprovoked seal attack in my entire life, and that was in Arrested Development.  And that's a fictional television show John.  Did you just watch it and get confused?  As long as you're not a dick, seals are totally cool*.  Read a fucking book.




*50/50 shot at that being true.  Awesome odds.

HBD to the G-O-A-T

Happy birthday to Michael Jeffrey Jordan, the greatest basketball player athlete of all time.  That above shot is still to this day some of the most miraculous shit I have ever seen.  One of literally thousands of miracles that this guy performed on a nightly basis.  6 for 6 in Finals appearances, winning Finals MVP in all six.  Too many records to count.  He is quite possibly the most competitive person this planet has ever seen, and I fucking love him for it.  

I, like a lot of kids, grew up watching Jordan play.  He was the guy that made people want to watch sports, and then once they started watching they needed more.  If there is one thing I know for a fact, it is that life is better when Michael Jordan is playing basketball.  Right after he won his first title in 1991, the Cold War ended*.  Bill Clinton became President shortly thereafter, maybe the most savage President of all time.  Even if he and Elizabeth Hurley didn't smash in the White House, the fact that it was even a rumor speaks volumes.  The economy was booming, the gas was cheap, the digital age sprung to life, and we got the opportunity to see the most dominant competitor the world has ever come to know.  So again, happy birthday Mike.  I'd say go enjoy it, but I'm about 10,000% positive you're already bellied up to a craps table with a drink in your hand and a cigar in your mouth.  More than likely surrounded by a gaggle of bitches, undoubtedly all ready to hop on your dick at the snap of your fingers...so I guess just keep it up.  You've earned it buddy.

PS - How much does it suck having to shop for MJ on his birthday?  Like what are you supposed to get the guy who has everything?  I say you have to go one of two ways...either something super easy like golf balls or cigars, maybe a bottle of booze, or you go with something that completely plays to his ego.  Like this...

...Except ten feet tall and framed.







*The Cold War actually ended February 17, 1963.  The world just didn't know it.

There is a Deranged Psychopath Loose in the Hills That's Stealing Everyone's Dogs

Source - A string of pet thefts in recent weeks in the Hollywood Hills and Mount Olympus neighborhoods has residents keeping an extra watchful eye on their furry friends.

Jacqueline Bucci's 9-year-old Imperial Shih Tzu Charlie was the first of three dogs to disappear in the area.

"He's my partner in crime," Bucci said. "Everyday, I just try to do something to keep looking for him, so it just doesn't go away."

Bucci last saw Charlie the morning of Jan. 23 in front of her home in the Hollywood Hills near Runyon Canyon.

"I turned for one minute to go inside and grab my cat who had run outside," she said. "When I came back he was gone."

Bucci spent the rest of the day looking for Charlie. After several hours, a construction worker who was working on a home nearby told her he had seen a woman in a black Toyota Prius scoop up a small dog matching Charlie's description from the road.

If you live in the Hollywood Hills area, you need to figure out where the fuck your dog is right this second.  Because there is a deranged psychopath scooping up little dogs left and right, never to be seen again!  She's in a black Toyota Prius, did we at least get her plates?  Do we have any leads?

This should constitute imprisonment if this crazy bitch is ever caught.  Seriously, lock her up and throw away the key.  People like this have no place in society.  Does she even realize what she's doing?  Like does she understand that this is going to fuck with a dog's brain.  They'll probably readjust because dogs are the best people in the world at making friends but still, there's going to be a depression period.  Who would willingly put an animal through that?  I'll tell you who - a complete sociopath.  No joke this is probably the stage in this lady's development into a serial killer when she experiments on defenseless innocent animals.  I mean what else could it be, really that's the only explanation.

PS - I wouldn't be the least bit surprised if there was a cat sitting in the back of that Prius with a 9 millimeter to the back of this poor woman's skull forcing her to do all of this.

RIP Jerry Tarkanian

Source - Hall of Fame coach Jerry Tarkanian, who built a basketball dynasty at UNLV but was defined more by his decades-long battle with the NCAA, died Wednesday after several years of health issues. He was 84.


Huge loss for the basketball world.  One of the first true opponents to the corruption of college athletics.  On the court he was a genius, never once coached a team with a losing record.  At UNLV, he had one of the most prominent college basketball programs in the country.  All throughout the 80s and into the 90s he managed to lead his team to the tournament, and it wasn't uncommon to see them go pretty far. But that's not what Coach Tark will be remembered for most.  Not by a long shot.

No one defined the term "player's coach" like Jerry Tarkanian.  It might sound sappy, but this is a guy who gave legitimate hope to a lot of troubled kids.   For decades he exemplified what a basketball coach should be.  On the court you teach discipline, off the court you just teach.  Coach Tark was never the kind of coach who believed that his work ended when he left the gym.  Instead, he constantly included himself in the lives of his players and did his best to help them whenever he could.  And even if he couldn't help them, he always made himself available in other aspects of his players' lives outside of the game.  Simply put, they just don't make 'em like Jerry Tarkanian anymore.

RIP Coach.  

Train Derailed Near Union Station; Experiences Delays of Up to One Hour

Source - A Metrolink train derailed near Vignes and Bauchet streets in downtown Los Angeles Tuesday, prompting major delays at Union Station.

Los Angeles Fire Department personnel responded to the scene shortly before 5 p.m.

Train 906 was en route to Union Station from Burbank. It derailed as it went from one track to another at a relatively slow speed, Metrolink spokesman Scott Johnson said.

The train remained upright and about 100 passengers were quickly offloaded. The passengers then walked about 150 feet into the station. No injuries were reported.


You may be wondering why a derailed train and the length of it's delays are relevant at all.  No one was hurt and nothing really happened, everyone was already fifty yards away from the station so no biggie, who gives a fuck?

I do, I give a fuck.  Why?  Because this means that an entire derailed train experiences shorter delays than the average person in Los Angeles in day-to-day traffic.  Seriously, unless you live here you can't even begin to understand the colossal fuck-up that is Los Angeles and it's urban infrastructure.  Why the fuck is everything so far apart?  Who in god's name designed the public transportation system?  No joke, it is the biggest clusterfuck you have ever seen in your entire life.  If I'm only getting delayed 30-60 minutes I'm taking that derailing train every single time.









PS - I've always been a firm believer that driving is a poor man's game.  Obviously I do it because I'm trash, but any time I see an opportunity to get someone to drive me somewhere I'm on it like white on rice.

Golf Clap: The KCAL/KCBS News Helicopter Team

Source - A gunman leading police on a wild chase east of Los Angeles smashed into cars, veered into oncoming traffic, stole a vehicle at gunpoint and ran down a crowded street before officers shot and wounded him.

Authorities opened fire as the man appeared to be trying to steal another car, police spokeswoman Rosario Herrera said. Officers handcuffed the wounded suspect, and he was taken to a hospital in an ambulance, she said.

Police on Tuesday identified him as Aaron Lorta, a 29-year-old gang member with a long criminal history. He remained hospitalized in stable condition and was interviewed by detectives, according to Officer Liliana Preciado. He could face charges including carjacking, she said.

A woman whose car was stolen at gunpoint on live TV was not hurt but was deeply shaken after the incident.

Well done KCAL/KCBS chopper team, very well done.  If you don't think this is worth recognizing then I just cannot take you seriously as a person.  This is an undisputed top 5 car chase video of all time, and the only reason we have it is because of the diligence and expert camerawork of the KCAL/KCBS chopper team.  Golf clap to you guys.

On another note, I love the dedication of Aaron Lorta.  Rough and tumble gang member, what's he gonna do, go out like a bitch?  Fuck that noise, he's going to do bust out his best CJ impression from San Andreas, jack some slut's car, shoot a couple guns, rack up a few stars, get arrested, get out, and do it all over again.  I totally get it...not so much the actually doing it in real life and going to prison to get stabbed part, but I get what he was trying to do.  That kind of stuff is a hoot and I for one think LA could use a little more of the wild west mentality.  In case you haven't noticed, the rest of the country thinks we're all gigantic pussies.

PS - Is it weird that I'm proud of this Aaron Lorta dude for not murdering anyone?  Like he seems so shitty as a human that when I noticed that he didn't murder anyone my first thought was, "Damn, nice job, not too bad!"  For a split second I actually think I almost felt bad that he got shot.  Say what you want about Aaron Lorta, but so far  he is not a murderer.

PPS - Is it just me or does a car chase not feel the same unless the suspect isn't in a white Ford Bronco?

Full video if any weirdos wanna watch a 45 minute car chase:

Paris Hilton's Little Brother Might Be the Most Pompous Dickish Rich Kid on the Planet and It's Awesome

Source - Paris Hilton's younger brother Conrad has appeared in court after allegedly becoming enraged on a British Airways flight from London to Los Angeles, calling passengers "peasants" and making children cry.

Hilton, 20, had his hands and feet in shackles as he was brought into court in Los Angeles where he was charged with interfering with a flight crew, an offence which can carry a penalty of up to 20 years in prison. He did not enter a plea and was released on $100,000 bail.

The case related to BA Flight 269 which took off from Heathrow on July 31 last year but details only emerged as Hilton was charged.

According to a 17-page affidavit from an FBI agent, Hilton became unruly soon after the plane took off, pacing the aisle and complaining that another passenger was giving him a "stink eye."

Witnesses said he was in a rage for much of the 11-hour flight, at one point yelling: "I will f****** own anyone on this flight. They are f****** peasants."

The Hilton's are officially back baby!...And with tits!

First Paris slaps me in the face with a full-on cleav-shot and now little bro bursts onto the scene like a goddamn bull in a china shop!  Calling an entire plane of people "peasants", smoking weed in the bathroom, making little kids cry like nobody's business.  Maybe pump the brakes a little bit though dude.  We need you for the long haul.  There's only one family of sluts and scandal that can knock the Kardashians off their Hollywood throne and that's the Hiltons.  And we're gonna need this animal for every battle in that war, so we can't have him going off the rails before he has the chance to do some real damage.  

By the time I finished reading the first three lines of this story I knew what we had in this kid; he's essentially Paris with a dick.  His judgment is similarly terrible, he seems to have little to no self control whatsoever.  They are the same person, only Conrad has way more testosterone and now way less titty.

And I love a loose cannon celebrity* as much as the next guy but this has to be the most upset anyone has ever been in their entire life over a "stink eye".   Hey Conrad, ya think maybe she was giving you the stink eye because you just tried roasting a fatty in the bathroom of a commercial aircraft you savage?  I mean don't get me wrong I love this stuff, but there has to be another element or else you're basically just a total piece of shit.  Next time, make it a cocaine-fueled rage or something cool like that.  Maybe pop a Molly and sweat a little bit, dig?

*Conrad Hilton is not a celebrity.  

PS - I also read that he was basically saying he's done this before and his dad fixed that with money ($300,000 to be exact) so he would for sure do it again no problem.  I can't even imagine how pissed I'd be if my kid did this.  If I'm Big Daddy Hilton I'm sending this kid to get raped in prison to teach him a thing or two about a thing or two.  But that's just me. 

Explaining the Warriors Immaculate Ascension to the Top of the West

It's no secret that I'm a Clippers guy, and as a given that means I absolutely despise the Lakers through and through.  That still leaves two other California NBA teams: the Kings and the Warriors. And because the Kings are no threat at all, we're going to spend this time talking about the Warriors.  A fringe playoff team in the West who signed a new coach this offseason and torpedoed themselves to the top of the conference and show no signs of slowing down anytime soon.  Came out of nowhere and grabbed the league and it's audience by the balls.  Well, a few things happened to trigger their ascension.

First, and obviously, is the hiring of Steve Kerr.  Mark Jackson was a great coach, but not for this team.  He tried to force these guys into a more traditional system where they played strong defense and tried to work the ball into the post whenever possible.  In Chicago or Memphis that's perfect, but on a team with more possible shooters than the Tupac and Biggie murders combined you need to push the ball and space the floor.  Enter Steve Kerr, a former guard and long range specialist, maybe the post perfect person in the entire world to coach a Steph Curry-led unit.  With Kerr's help, despite David Lee's injury the Golden State has still managed to average nearly 7 points more per game than last year.  

On top of Steve Kerr another key coach was brought in to assist in player development and help maintain Jackson's defensive principles - Ron Adams, former assistant to the LEGENDARY Tom Thibodeau.  Thibs Jr. has helped to coach up the guard oriented Warriors defense into forcing two more turnovers per game than last year, which has led to more opportunities to score, something they really like doing a lot.  On top of that he has been a key factor in the developments of players like Klay Thompson and Draymond Green who, if it weren't for Jimmy Butler, is arguably the NBA's Most Improved Player.

Golden State was smart enough to see something that all successful sports franchises see.  Sustained success is built through youth and the draft.  Good coaching and having the ability to consistently develop young players is an essential commodity in building a lasting product.  Look at any sport - the Red Wings, the Patriots, the Cardinals, the Spurs.  All of these teams have shown just how valuable a quality staff can be, and as a result despite not being in LA or Chicago or New York they still consistently rival the revenue that those teams see, and in some (maybe most) cases they probably surpass it.

Shit.  Golden State used to be fun to watch.  Now I'm starting to think that they might become a pretty big fucking headache for the forseeable future.

We've Lost a Truckload of Chicken and Swarms of Bees are Killing Everyone!

Source - A big-rig hauling frozen chicken collided with a truck carrying bees in Southern California, igniting a fireball that quickly cooked the chicken.

The California Highway Patrol says the crash on Interstate 10 near Palm Springs occurred shortly after 7 a.m. Monday.

The truck with the chickens burst into flames and was incinerated, but the driver escaped with minor injuries.

The driver hauling the bees was not hurt, although highway patrol officers on the scene reported bees buzzing everywhere.

Photos, meanwhile, showed chunks of blackened, highway-roasted chicken.



So bad news, much worse news situation here.  Bad news is we lost an entire truckload of what was surely delicious chicken.  It was all cooked in the chemical flooded, fiery mess that was Interstate 10 Incident of 2015.  That is what they'll call it one day.  Because guess what, bees are all over the place!  So technically they haven't attacked anyone yet, but we all know it's only a matter of time.  Plus I'm not sure if this is an actual fact or statistic but I'm pretty sure California has like four times as many people with bee allergies than any other state.  Can someone check that for me?  All I know is that I'm just one guy and I've got legit eight buddies who would think this is the most frightening thing of all time.  They wouldn't go outside for a week if this happened somewhere around us, no joke.



"Photos, meanwhile, showed chunks of blackened, highway-roasted chicken."









PS - That ^ is not racist, I did it purely because of the crying.









PPS - Ok, maybe it's still a little racist. 

Why Didn't You Cover the Super Bowl Marty?...Fair Question

Some of you might ask "Why Didn't You Cover the Super Bowl Marty?". That's a fair question.  Basically it comes down to two things:

1. I fucking loathe the Seattle Seahawks.  Their only, and I mean their only saving grace is Marshawn Lynch. Richard Sherman talks more nonsense than anyone in the NFL and he doesn't even talk the most nonsense on the team, that crown goes to Doug Baldwin, who is basically the Robert Horry of the NFL if Robert Horry never shut the fuck up.  Basically a complete non-factor when it comes to game planning, but somehow, someway, when his team needs a big play he's ALWAYS wide open for the catch.  And their quarterback is awesome but he's an insufferable pussy; nothing more needs to be said, he just is.
   
   
2. These guys are all coached by Pete Carroll, the man who absolutely skewered USC.  Personally I hate USC anyways because I'm a UCLA fan and they were absolutely unstoppable when he was their coach with Reggie Bush and Co. (much like with how good the Seahawks have become).  But still, he seasoned them real good, put them on the grill, shut the lid, and left them there to burn.  Even I wouldn't wish that upon a team.

And then on top of all that, I had the Patriots the whole time.  There's just some games where you cannot fight destiny any longer.  This was that game for Tom Brady and Bill Belichick.  I've always been a massive proponent of Peyton Manning over Tom Brady.  In 10 years I have never once faltered on that stance...with that said, I was wrong.  Four Super Bowls is absolutely astounding, and the fact that he's been to six and barely lost the other two is equally noteworthy.  Brady has been just as consistent as Manning with less gaudy numbers but his ability to consistently rise to the occasion and lead a team deep into the playoffs just cannot be ignored anymore.  Tom Brady, G.O.A.T.

PS - I've always known Belichick was the greatest coach ever so I'm still 50%.  In baseball that makes me the best hitter ever and in basketball it's either good or great depending on your position.  Take from that what you will.

Does This Look Like the Face of California's Newest Dentist/Arsonist?

A California dentist, who goes by the trademark name "Dr. Leo," is accused of torching two rival dental practices, police say.

Leopold Weinstein, 63, was arrested Friday on three counts of arson of a structure, three counts of attempted arson of a structure and possession of a silencer. He was booked at the Ventura County Sheriff’s Main Jail and his bail was set at $250,000. He is scheduled to appear in court Tuesday.




How do these crimes work?  Does a person get both arson and attempted arson every time?  Because if that's the case Dr. Leo was 3 for 3 - not too shabby for someone picking up arson for business reasons.  I'm not saying Dr. Leo should be burning other dentist offices down.  Arson is a terrible thing, and it's 100% totally and completely illegal.  But what else is a guy supposed to do when motherfuckers start to encroach on his territory and his livelihood?

Competition is tough.  Sometimes people are better than you, cheaper, or more popular, whatever it may be.  What is Dr. Leo supposed to do if that happens?  Adapt?  Move!? Fuck that noise, not Leopold Weinstein, DMD* - his turf, his terms.  If he can't beat 'em, he'll burn those mothers down.

*Doctor of Dental Medicine...because calling them an MD would be presumptuous. 







PS - How about the balls on Dr. Leo trying to make the jump from arsonist to full-blown international assassin with that silencer?  Bro relax, you burned down a couple buildings with some gas and a box of matches.  You should be thanking the cops for catching you when they did before you could hurt yourself.  Fucking Jewish James Bond over here.



PPS - Mandatory Jewish dentist clip.