Great News Guys, Solstice the Sea Turtle is on Her Way Home to Sunny SoCal

Source - A sea turtle that was rescued from frigid Northwest waters and treated at the Oregon Coast Aquarium in Newport is catching a ride back to California on a Coast Guard training flight.

The aquarium says the endangered olive ridley turtle named Solstice is being airlifted Tuesday on a Coast Guard C-130 and will complete her rehabilitation at SeaWorld in San Diego.

Solstice was dehydrated with a body temperature 15 degrees below normal when she was found on the Long Beach Peninsula in southwest Washington.

With the approval of the Fish and Wildlife, Solstice will be released this summer in warmer waters where turtles typically range.

At least five other turtle caught in cold currents this winter were stranded and died on the coast of Washington and Oregon.

Holy cow talk about a close one.  We almost lost Solstice for a second there....As a quick aside, "Solstice" is a horrible name for anything other than a stripper....But fortunately for us, Solstice is going to be okay, our girl is on her way home to finish up her rehab in SeaWorld!  Wait, hasn't SeaWorld recently become pretty notorious for mistreating animals?  Maybe let's just rethink the whole SeaWorld arrangement for a second.  Is that really the best environment for a wounded animal?  They psychologically shattered a 100% healthy(ish) killer whale, can you imagine what they could do to a simple minded turtle like Solstice?  They would ruin her.

Should we maybe be looking into monitoring this whole freezing turtles situation.  "At least five." Aren't turtles like the Snow Leopards of the ocean?  5 is A LOT of fucking sea turtles.  That would be like if 2,000 people just froze to death on the East Coast.  

In Case You Missed It: Philippe Coutinho's Goal From the Other Day Was Filthy

Not a huge soccer guy but I somewhat follow the Premier and Champions League.  This goal is pure filth, only one spot Coutinho could have put that ball and he hit it with deadly accuracy.  Soccer fan or not, game respect game.













PS - Like I said not a huge soccer guy, but I do cheer for Manchester United.  When I first started paying attention to the Champions League soccer, Man U was torching anything and everything in sight, ran the table.  Wayne Rooney, Cristiano Ronaldo, Paul Scholes, Michael Carrick, Ryan Giggs, Rio Ferdinand, Edwin van der Sar in the gal.  That team was the fucking jam.  Not even remotely kidding, that's the exact point in time when Ronaldo became Ronaldo.  40+ goals, lights out all year, the team scored more points than everyone.  Those guys got my attention.  



Since that season Ronaldo honestly probably has not gone more than ten hours without smashing an absolute twelve.  Bet that's cool.





A few of his past adventures include the following, just in case you are interested.












Irina Shayk, Alice Goodwin, Gemma Atkinson, Lucia Villalon (rumored).  In that order.

Here's a List of the Weirdest California Laws Involving Alcohol. I Tried to Fix It

Source - California, mercifully, isn't subject to the Blue Laws that dictate alcohol sales in many other parts of the country. But that doesn't mean we don't have our share of weird liquor laws. Here are a few.

1. Alcohol cannot be displayed within five feet of the cash register if the establishment also sells motor fuel.
   
   
   There's gotta be some old western science behind this one, most likely involving gunplay of some sort. Way over my head but just to be safe, I say we keep it. Keep the booze away from the cash at gas stations. Done.
   
   
   
2. If you're trying to brew enough beer or wine for the apocalypse, be aware: You may not manufacture more than 100 gallons per calendar year. If there are two or more adults in your household, you may make up to 200 gallons.
   Not sure I understand this one.  Is this law apocalypse-specific?  That wouldn't make any sense, if the apocalypse did happen they would be giving away booze like hot cakes.  It's not sit in a bunker for the rest of time, it's go out with a bang.  Live fast, die young in the apocalypse.
   
   
   
3. Even if you're just the hapless server, you can still be held responsible for serving alcohol to a minor who uses a fake ID. It's a misdemeanor, the logic being you should do everything possible to establish a person's real age, including denying them service if the ID looks suspicious.
   
   Considering I look about 15 years old, I'm against this law 100%.  Sure I've been legal for a few years now, but still.  I don't need any waitresses looking harder at my ID, that shit would get old real quick.  I vote that the waitresses shouldn't be responsible for shit besides being pleasant and doing their job.  Boom, decreed.
   
   
   
4. If you want to get your growler refilled with a different beer, the growler's old label must be covered by a new one that includes the identification of the brewery, the name of the beer and other information.
   
   Growlers are a bit out of my league.  I didn't know people still do this, is this a thing?  Are there and big beer guys out there who have growlers that they refill?  Kill this law because I don't get it.  Next.
   
   
5. Any establishment that sells alcohol may not employ anyone who is wearing clothes that expose the "cleft of the buttocks," "any portion of pubic hair" or "any portion of the female breast below the top of the areola."
   
   BLASPHEMY!!!  THIS LAW IS AN ABOMINATION AND ALTHOUGH IT IT TOTALLY AND COMPLETELY 100% IGNORED I DEMAND IT STRICKEN FROM THE STATE CONSTITUTION (if that is in fact where these types of things come from).
   
   Seriously, go back and see when this law was made and when the first woman was given political power and I'd put money that they're right around the same time.  Southern California is built for skin exposure, its why motherfuckers love living here.  This law is straight up preposterous.
   
   
   
6. It used to be legal for the state of California to revoke the liquor license of establishments that served alcohol to gay patrons. This, of course, is not a valid reason not to serve someone so the law was overturned.
   
   Talk about doing a 180.  Used to be that you couldn't sell booze if you were gay and now if any bar in the entire state of California wants to actually thrive, their entire future depends on the gays.  I bet the gays love that - they've got the Man by the balls and they know it.  And every last bit of that pun was intended.
   
   
   
7. Vehicles returning from Mexico can only import 1 liter of alcohol duty-free.
   
   Honestly I only need like five things from Mexico: avocados, tortillas, my second favorite hot sauce, rice, and of course the beautiful and diverse culture that their fine citizens bring with them when they come.  Outside of that I just don't give a shit.  This law is ignored, might as well delete it from the records.
   
   
   
8. It's not an official state regulation, but many stores in California will not allow you to return alcohol. So drink up!
   If you return booze, you're a special kind of asshole.  Once you've opened the bottle of whatever it may be and taken a sip, at that point in time you are an hour from being drunk.  If you waste any of that time complaining or even considering returning it you're just unfocused.  It sucks, who cares - it's game time, get back on the horse.
   I actually have a buddy who has returned 5 craft beers on multiple occasions if they aren't up to par.  Did it once when I was with him buying groceries.  It was unbelievable how uncomfortable I was in that line.  Legit second hand embarrassment.  These people thought he was the biggest piece of shit, and dude was clueless.  Just didn't register why it was weird.  Such an awkward spot.  Never again.

PS - No scantily clad women serving beer and food.  Sick joke.

Some People are Trying to Get Us To Drink Camel's Milk...I'm Out

(This camel's baby looks like its dick at first glance)



Source - Camel milk has been in use for centuries in Middle Eastern, Asian and North African cultures. Recently, some vanguard American farmers have been bringing that tradition to the U.S. And it might be the perfect time to do so because camels, being desert dwellers, are extremely water efficient.

“Did you know that camel milk is highly nutritious and has 10 times more iron and three times more vitamin C than cow’s milk?” Dagmar Midcap asks viewers. “Camel milk is also being used in treating diabetes, autism and Crohn’s disease,” says Midcap.

Besides producing milk, which Gil Riegler says “is the closest milk to human mother’s milk,” the couple also makes specialty products including cosmetics, soaps, lotions, lip balms and chocolate.

“It’s low-fat milk, it’s homogenized naturally, it tastes really good like cow’s milk, it has triple the amount of vitamin C than other milks, it’s high in protein and there are no allergies to it,” says Gil Riegler. It’s a good alternative to cow’s milk for those who are lactose-intolerant because it’s lactose-free.

“This is truly one of nature’s superfoods.”

There’s just one problem: it’s illegal for the couple to sell the milk. “Until the government lifts its restriction on small-batch hand-milked products,” the couple can give people the milk to drink and people can drink the milk, but it’s illegal for it to be bought and sold, says Zimmern.

Until the law is changed, the Rieglers will only sell the specialty products that are made from the camel’s milk. They also offer camel rides, rent out their camels for events and sell camels. At the end of his visit, Zimmern drinks a glass of fresh camel milk. His verdict: “That’s really good … It’s really refreshing … You want another sip.”

Whether I like it or not, LA is on the forefront of "experimental cuisine."  In other words, hipster dickhead assholes take it upon themselves to force weird shitty food down everyone's throats because it's "new" or "in."  Seriously, the midwest should be thanking me.  I have to live life eating through all of this trendy garbage, weeding out all of the bad from what little good there is.  We all do, us normal people up and down the coasts.  By the time that little tidbit of culture finds its way to the middle of the country it's already been polished into a finished product.  You guys live the cake life.

Plus, I'm not about to take advice from a guy who makes a living eating weird shit with weirder fucking people.  Andrew Zimmern, the fuck outta my face with this nonsense.  Oh it's the closest to human milk?  What kind of psychopath wants to drink human milk, Andrew?  Are you some type of real life McPoyle type, was that supposed to be a selling point?  And what exactly is this line supposed to do in trying to convince me?

Camel milk has been in use for centuries in Middle Eastern, Asian and North African cultures

Uh yeah, no duh.  But that's mainly because they don't have some of the luxuries we do have.  Ya know...grass, water - those types of luxuries.  Why change a good thing here guys?  Cow milk is great, cow cheese is great, cow butter is great, and cow meat is great.  Plus, as a whole, cows are very manageable and camels seem pretty unpredictable.  Can you imagine an entire herd of those things running loose across Iowa?  It would be absolute madness.  I say we just vote this one down now and keep it illegal.  The Middle East and Africa need all the camels they can get, at this point let's just let sleeping dogs lie.

#TeamCowMilk 

Maryland Dude Built a Snow Plow With a Very Exposed Toilet That His Balls Will Undoubtedly Get Stuck To Next Time It Snows

Source - Talk about a pooper scooper.  A man in suburban Washington has created a snow plow using a motorized toilet.

David Goldberg of Rockville, Maryland, attached a plow to the motorized toilet, which he had already made for a parade this past summer. The contraption, which he calls "Loo-cy," comes with a toilet paper stand and a magazine rack.

The 55-year-old Goldberg posted a YouTube video of himself sitting on the commode while plowing snow Tuesday in front of a hardware store he owns in Bethesda, Maryland. A winter storm had dumped about 4 inches of snow.

Goldberg says people stopped their cars to get a good look at Loo-cy, with some pointing and laughing and others snapping photos. Goldberg says Loo-cy will be back outside the store Thursday.





I'm from Los Angeles so I don't really fuck with snow because people be freezin' and shit but am I wrong to think this is the dumbest idea of all time?  Obviously no one is gonna start buying these things up, but like why even invent it in the first place?  If you put water in the bowl it only does one of two things.  It either sloshes around all over your balls and leaks onto the seat until eventually pooling between the cheeks, or it freezes.  That's it.  Then all that water freezes your skin to the toilet plow.  Nightmare fucking city.

Strangest part about the story is the fact that this dude didn't put a toilet onto a motorized plow, he attached a plow to a motorized toilet.  Who on this planet has a motorized toilet lying around?  God damned David Goldberg that's who!  And this could just be my racism ignorance talking, but building a motorized snowplowing toilet seems very out of character for a Jew, no?









PS - If every one of these came complimentary with a Forever Lazy and the toilet had seat warmers this blog goes in a whole nother direction.

PPS - Nother should definitely be a word.  Oh, and Hanky Pinky Fuchsia (bonkers spelling on the word "fuchsia"), sup girl?

Kobe Claims Friendship is Impossible for Him Because of How Hard He Works

"Cool friends dude."

                    -Phil Jackson

Source - So how much are you willing to give up? Have you given up the possibility of having friends? Do you have any friends?

I have "like minds." You know, I've been fortunate to play in Los Angeles, where there are a lot of people like me. Actors. Musicians. Businessmen. Obsessives. People who feel like God put them on earth to do whatever it is that they do. Now, do we have time to build great relationships? Do we have time to build great friendships? No. Do we have time to socialize and to hangout aimlessly? No. Do we want to do that? No.We want to work. I enjoy working.

So is this a choice? Are you actively choosing not to have friends? 

Well, yes and no. I have friends. But being a "great friend" is something I will never be. I can be a good friend. But not a great friend. A great friend will call you every day and remember your birthday. I'll get so wrapped up in my shit, I'll never remember that stuff. And the people who are my friends understand this, and they're usually the same way. You gravitate toward people who are like you. But the kind of relationships you see in movies—that's impossible for me. I have good relationships with players around the league. LeBron and I will text every now and then. KG and I will text every now and then. But in terms of having one of those great, bonding friendships—that's something I will probably never have. And it's not some smug thing. It's a weakness. It's a weakness.

Honestly as much as I hate Kobe this is kind of pathetic.  Dude is coming up on the end of his career, finally realizes he has no friends and chalks it up to a result of his work ethic.  Bro, you don't have any friends because you're a complete dick to everyone.  When things aren't going right, you openly point the finger and call people out.  You have a history of bitching and moaning like a little kid when you aren't getting your way.  You ran Phil Jackson out of town only to realize you guys suck without Phil Jackson, at which point you promptly begged for him back.  You let one of the most dominant centers of all time walk because you couldn't set your ego aside and share the spotlight.  As a seasoned veteran and proven leader I might understand that, but at the time Kobe was just a shit-sipping little punk who just had his first successful showing in the Finals.  But he demanded the team and he got it. 

I'm pretty sure everyone on the Lakers right now hates him too.  Like he openly acts like his teammates are peasants, like actual peasants in a medieval hierarchy.  They have to hate his fucking guts.  If not for that, then for the fact that he's getting paid $30 million to take thirty shots per game and make ten.  And when he's not healthy enough to do that he's on the bench complaining about the tarnished glory of the Lakers franchise.  God no wonder he has no friends.  Guy is the worst.

Tosh got it way back when...

Sea Lion Pup Once Again Proves That Sea Lions/Seals are Dope

Source - A family out for a kayak trip in California picked up an unexpected hitchhiker: a sea lion pup that hopped on for a 20-minute ride.

Video aired by KEYT-TV shows the little sea lion enjoying the sunshine on the back of the kayak in Santa Barbara on Saturday.

The family from Orange County says the sea lion hopped up and made itself comfortable, even cuddling up with the dad as he paddled with his kids.

A crowd gathered on the pier to watch as the pup relaxed and enjoyed the journey.



Classic sea lion.  Basically a dog with flippers, gotta love that.  Seeing animals in the wild is cool as fuck, and if you think otherwise you're just a hardo.  But seeing baby animals is even cooler, and seeing a baby animal that wants to play and chill out with you.  That's like hitting the jackpot.  I'm legit jealous of these people, having this happen to you must be the best feeling of all time.  I always thought St. Babs was just full of stoners and bros, but if baby sea lions are hopping into kayaks willy nilly I might have to consider a visit.






PS - Fuck John Palminteri.  I'm not saying you're a pedophile, but you definitely fall into the general physical profile.

Be a bigger wet blanket, dude.  I've only heard of one unprovoked seal attack in my entire life, and that was in Arrested Development.  And that's a fictional television show John.  Did you just watch it and get confused?  As long as you're not a dick, seals are totally cool*.  Read a fucking book.




*50/50 shot at that being true.  Awesome odds.

HBD to the G-O-A-T

Happy birthday to Michael Jeffrey Jordan, the greatest basketball player athlete of all time.  That above shot is still to this day some of the most miraculous shit I have ever seen.  One of literally thousands of miracles that this guy performed on a nightly basis.  6 for 6 in Finals appearances, winning Finals MVP in all six.  Too many records to count.  He is quite possibly the most competitive person this planet has ever seen, and I fucking love him for it.  

I, like a lot of kids, grew up watching Jordan play.  He was the guy that made people want to watch sports, and then once they started watching they needed more.  If there is one thing I know for a fact, it is that life is better when Michael Jordan is playing basketball.  Right after he won his first title in 1991, the Cold War ended*.  Bill Clinton became President shortly thereafter, maybe the most savage President of all time.  Even if he and Elizabeth Hurley didn't smash in the White House, the fact that it was even a rumor speaks volumes.  The economy was booming, the gas was cheap, the digital age sprung to life, and we got the opportunity to see the most dominant competitor the world has ever come to know.  So again, happy birthday Mike.  I'd say go enjoy it, but I'm about 10,000% positive you're already bellied up to a craps table with a drink in your hand and a cigar in your mouth.  More than likely surrounded by a gaggle of bitches, undoubtedly all ready to hop on your dick at the snap of your fingers...so I guess just keep it up.  You've earned it buddy.

PS - How much does it suck having to shop for MJ on his birthday?  Like what are you supposed to get the guy who has everything?  I say you have to go one of two ways...either something super easy like golf balls or cigars, maybe a bottle of booze, or you go with something that completely plays to his ego.  Like this...

...Except ten feet tall and framed.







*The Cold War actually ended February 17, 1963.  The world just didn't know it.

There is a Deranged Psychopath Loose in the Hills That's Stealing Everyone's Dogs

Source - A string of pet thefts in recent weeks in the Hollywood Hills and Mount Olympus neighborhoods has residents keeping an extra watchful eye on their furry friends.

Jacqueline Bucci's 9-year-old Imperial Shih Tzu Charlie was the first of three dogs to disappear in the area.

"He's my partner in crime," Bucci said. "Everyday, I just try to do something to keep looking for him, so it just doesn't go away."

Bucci last saw Charlie the morning of Jan. 23 in front of her home in the Hollywood Hills near Runyon Canyon.

"I turned for one minute to go inside and grab my cat who had run outside," she said. "When I came back he was gone."

Bucci spent the rest of the day looking for Charlie. After several hours, a construction worker who was working on a home nearby told her he had seen a woman in a black Toyota Prius scoop up a small dog matching Charlie's description from the road.

If you live in the Hollywood Hills area, you need to figure out where the fuck your dog is right this second.  Because there is a deranged psychopath scooping up little dogs left and right, never to be seen again!  She's in a black Toyota Prius, did we at least get her plates?  Do we have any leads?

This should constitute imprisonment if this crazy bitch is ever caught.  Seriously, lock her up and throw away the key.  People like this have no place in society.  Does she even realize what she's doing?  Like does she understand that this is going to fuck with a dog's brain.  They'll probably readjust because dogs are the best people in the world at making friends but still, there's going to be a depression period.  Who would willingly put an animal through that?  I'll tell you who - a complete sociopath.  No joke this is probably the stage in this lady's development into a serial killer when she experiments on defenseless innocent animals.  I mean what else could it be, really that's the only explanation.

PS - I wouldn't be the least bit surprised if there was a cat sitting in the back of that Prius with a 9 millimeter to the back of this poor woman's skull forcing her to do all of this.

RIP Jerry Tarkanian

Source - Hall of Fame coach Jerry Tarkanian, who built a basketball dynasty at UNLV but was defined more by his decades-long battle with the NCAA, died Wednesday after several years of health issues. He was 84.


Huge loss for the basketball world.  One of the first true opponents to the corruption of college athletics.  On the court he was a genius, never once coached a team with a losing record.  At UNLV, he had one of the most prominent college basketball programs in the country.  All throughout the 80s and into the 90s he managed to lead his team to the tournament, and it wasn't uncommon to see them go pretty far. But that's not what Coach Tark will be remembered for most.  Not by a long shot.

No one defined the term "player's coach" like Jerry Tarkanian.  It might sound sappy, but this is a guy who gave legitimate hope to a lot of troubled kids.   For decades he exemplified what a basketball coach should be.  On the court you teach discipline, off the court you just teach.  Coach Tark was never the kind of coach who believed that his work ended when he left the gym.  Instead, he constantly included himself in the lives of his players and did his best to help them whenever he could.  And even if he couldn't help them, he always made himself available in other aspects of his players' lives outside of the game.  Simply put, they just don't make 'em like Jerry Tarkanian anymore.

RIP Coach.  

Train Derailed Near Union Station; Experiences Delays of Up to One Hour

Source - A Metrolink train derailed near Vignes and Bauchet streets in downtown Los Angeles Tuesday, prompting major delays at Union Station.

Los Angeles Fire Department personnel responded to the scene shortly before 5 p.m.

Train 906 was en route to Union Station from Burbank. It derailed as it went from one track to another at a relatively slow speed, Metrolink spokesman Scott Johnson said.

The train remained upright and about 100 passengers were quickly offloaded. The passengers then walked about 150 feet into the station. No injuries were reported.


You may be wondering why a derailed train and the length of it's delays are relevant at all.  No one was hurt and nothing really happened, everyone was already fifty yards away from the station so no biggie, who gives a fuck?

I do, I give a fuck.  Why?  Because this means that an entire derailed train experiences shorter delays than the average person in Los Angeles in day-to-day traffic.  Seriously, unless you live here you can't even begin to understand the colossal fuck-up that is Los Angeles and it's urban infrastructure.  Why the fuck is everything so far apart?  Who in god's name designed the public transportation system?  No joke, it is the biggest clusterfuck you have ever seen in your entire life.  If I'm only getting delayed 30-60 minutes I'm taking that derailing train every single time.









PS - I've always been a firm believer that driving is a poor man's game.  Obviously I do it because I'm trash, but any time I see an opportunity to get someone to drive me somewhere I'm on it like white on rice.

Golf Clap: The KCAL/KCBS News Helicopter Team

Source - A gunman leading police on a wild chase east of Los Angeles smashed into cars, veered into oncoming traffic, stole a vehicle at gunpoint and ran down a crowded street before officers shot and wounded him.

Authorities opened fire as the man appeared to be trying to steal another car, police spokeswoman Rosario Herrera said. Officers handcuffed the wounded suspect, and he was taken to a hospital in an ambulance, she said.

Police on Tuesday identified him as Aaron Lorta, a 29-year-old gang member with a long criminal history. He remained hospitalized in stable condition and was interviewed by detectives, according to Officer Liliana Preciado. He could face charges including carjacking, she said.

A woman whose car was stolen at gunpoint on live TV was not hurt but was deeply shaken after the incident.

Well done KCAL/KCBS chopper team, very well done.  If you don't think this is worth recognizing then I just cannot take you seriously as a person.  This is an undisputed top 5 car chase video of all time, and the only reason we have it is because of the diligence and expert camerawork of the KCAL/KCBS chopper team.  Golf clap to you guys.

On another note, I love the dedication of Aaron Lorta.  Rough and tumble gang member, what's he gonna do, go out like a bitch?  Fuck that noise, he's going to do bust out his best CJ impression from San Andreas, jack some slut's car, shoot a couple guns, rack up a few stars, get arrested, get out, and do it all over again.  I totally get it...not so much the actually doing it in real life and going to prison to get stabbed part, but I get what he was trying to do.  That kind of stuff is a hoot and I for one think LA could use a little more of the wild west mentality.  In case you haven't noticed, the rest of the country thinks we're all gigantic pussies.

PS - Is it weird that I'm proud of this Aaron Lorta dude for not murdering anyone?  Like he seems so shitty as a human that when I noticed that he didn't murder anyone my first thought was, "Damn, nice job, not too bad!"  For a split second I actually think I almost felt bad that he got shot.  Say what you want about Aaron Lorta, but so far  he is not a murderer.

PPS - Is it just me or does a car chase not feel the same unless the suspect isn't in a white Ford Bronco?

Full video if any weirdos wanna watch a 45 minute car chase:

Paris Hilton's Little Brother Might Be the Most Pompous Dickish Rich Kid on the Planet and It's Awesome

Source - Paris Hilton's younger brother Conrad has appeared in court after allegedly becoming enraged on a British Airways flight from London to Los Angeles, calling passengers "peasants" and making children cry.

Hilton, 20, had his hands and feet in shackles as he was brought into court in Los Angeles where he was charged with interfering with a flight crew, an offence which can carry a penalty of up to 20 years in prison. He did not enter a plea and was released on $100,000 bail.

The case related to BA Flight 269 which took off from Heathrow on July 31 last year but details only emerged as Hilton was charged.

According to a 17-page affidavit from an FBI agent, Hilton became unruly soon after the plane took off, pacing the aisle and complaining that another passenger was giving him a "stink eye."

Witnesses said he was in a rage for much of the 11-hour flight, at one point yelling: "I will f****** own anyone on this flight. They are f****** peasants."

The Hilton's are officially back baby!...And with tits!

First Paris slaps me in the face with a full-on cleav-shot and now little bro bursts onto the scene like a goddamn bull in a china shop!  Calling an entire plane of people "peasants", smoking weed in the bathroom, making little kids cry like nobody's business.  Maybe pump the brakes a little bit though dude.  We need you for the long haul.  There's only one family of sluts and scandal that can knock the Kardashians off their Hollywood throne and that's the Hiltons.  And we're gonna need this animal for every battle in that war, so we can't have him going off the rails before he has the chance to do some real damage.  

By the time I finished reading the first three lines of this story I knew what we had in this kid; he's essentially Paris with a dick.  His judgment is similarly terrible, he seems to have little to no self control whatsoever.  They are the same person, only Conrad has way more testosterone and now way less titty.

And I love a loose cannon celebrity* as much as the next guy but this has to be the most upset anyone has ever been in their entire life over a "stink eye".   Hey Conrad, ya think maybe she was giving you the stink eye because you just tried roasting a fatty in the bathroom of a commercial aircraft you savage?  I mean don't get me wrong I love this stuff, but there has to be another element or else you're basically just a total piece of shit.  Next time, make it a cocaine-fueled rage or something cool like that.  Maybe pop a Molly and sweat a little bit, dig?

*Conrad Hilton is not a celebrity.  

PS - I also read that he was basically saying he's done this before and his dad fixed that with money ($300,000 to be exact) so he would for sure do it again no problem.  I can't even imagine how pissed I'd be if my kid did this.  If I'm Big Daddy Hilton I'm sending this kid to get raped in prison to teach him a thing or two about a thing or two.  But that's just me. 

Explaining the Warriors Immaculate Ascension to the Top of the West

It's no secret that I'm a Clippers guy, and as a given that means I absolutely despise the Lakers through and through.  That still leaves two other California NBA teams: the Kings and the Warriors. And because the Kings are no threat at all, we're going to spend this time talking about the Warriors.  A fringe playoff team in the West who signed a new coach this offseason and torpedoed themselves to the top of the conference and show no signs of slowing down anytime soon.  Came out of nowhere and grabbed the league and it's audience by the balls.  Well, a few things happened to trigger their ascension.

First, and obviously, is the hiring of Steve Kerr.  Mark Jackson was a great coach, but not for this team.  He tried to force these guys into a more traditional system where they played strong defense and tried to work the ball into the post whenever possible.  In Chicago or Memphis that's perfect, but on a team with more possible shooters than the Tupac and Biggie murders combined you need to push the ball and space the floor.  Enter Steve Kerr, a former guard and long range specialist, maybe the post perfect person in the entire world to coach a Steph Curry-led unit.  With Kerr's help, despite David Lee's injury the Golden State has still managed to average nearly 7 points more per game than last year.  

On top of Steve Kerr another key coach was brought in to assist in player development and help maintain Jackson's defensive principles - Ron Adams, former assistant to the LEGENDARY Tom Thibodeau.  Thibs Jr. has helped to coach up the guard oriented Warriors defense into forcing two more turnovers per game than last year, which has led to more opportunities to score, something they really like doing a lot.  On top of that he has been a key factor in the developments of players like Klay Thompson and Draymond Green who, if it weren't for Jimmy Butler, is arguably the NBA's Most Improved Player.

Golden State was smart enough to see something that all successful sports franchises see.  Sustained success is built through youth and the draft.  Good coaching and having the ability to consistently develop young players is an essential commodity in building a lasting product.  Look at any sport - the Red Wings, the Patriots, the Cardinals, the Spurs.  All of these teams have shown just how valuable a quality staff can be, and as a result despite not being in LA or Chicago or New York they still consistently rival the revenue that those teams see, and in some (maybe most) cases they probably surpass it.

Shit.  Golden State used to be fun to watch.  Now I'm starting to think that they might become a pretty big fucking headache for the forseeable future.

We've Lost a Truckload of Chicken and Swarms of Bees are Killing Everyone!

Source - A big-rig hauling frozen chicken collided with a truck carrying bees in Southern California, igniting a fireball that quickly cooked the chicken.

The California Highway Patrol says the crash on Interstate 10 near Palm Springs occurred shortly after 7 a.m. Monday.

The truck with the chickens burst into flames and was incinerated, but the driver escaped with minor injuries.

The driver hauling the bees was not hurt, although highway patrol officers on the scene reported bees buzzing everywhere.

Photos, meanwhile, showed chunks of blackened, highway-roasted chicken.



So bad news, much worse news situation here.  Bad news is we lost an entire truckload of what was surely delicious chicken.  It was all cooked in the chemical flooded, fiery mess that was Interstate 10 Incident of 2015.  That is what they'll call it one day.  Because guess what, bees are all over the place!  So technically they haven't attacked anyone yet, but we all know it's only a matter of time.  Plus I'm not sure if this is an actual fact or statistic but I'm pretty sure California has like four times as many people with bee allergies than any other state.  Can someone check that for me?  All I know is that I'm just one guy and I've got legit eight buddies who would think this is the most frightening thing of all time.  They wouldn't go outside for a week if this happened somewhere around us, no joke.



"Photos, meanwhile, showed chunks of blackened, highway-roasted chicken."









PS - That ^ is not racist, I did it purely because of the crying.









PPS - Ok, maybe it's still a little racist. 

Why Didn't You Cover the Super Bowl Marty?...Fair Question

Some of you might ask "Why Didn't You Cover the Super Bowl Marty?". That's a fair question.  Basically it comes down to two things:

1. I fucking loathe the Seattle Seahawks.  Their only, and I mean their only saving grace is Marshawn Lynch. Richard Sherman talks more nonsense than anyone in the NFL and he doesn't even talk the most nonsense on the team, that crown goes to Doug Baldwin, who is basically the Robert Horry of the NFL if Robert Horry never shut the fuck up.  Basically a complete non-factor when it comes to game planning, but somehow, someway, when his team needs a big play he's ALWAYS wide open for the catch.  And their quarterback is awesome but he's an insufferable pussy; nothing more needs to be said, he just is.
   
   
2. These guys are all coached by Pete Carroll, the man who absolutely skewered USC.  Personally I hate USC anyways because I'm a UCLA fan and they were absolutely unstoppable when he was their coach with Reggie Bush and Co. (much like with how good the Seahawks have become).  But still, he seasoned them real good, put them on the grill, shut the lid, and left them there to burn.  Even I wouldn't wish that upon a team.

And then on top of all that, I had the Patriots the whole time.  There's just some games where you cannot fight destiny any longer.  This was that game for Tom Brady and Bill Belichick.  I've always been a massive proponent of Peyton Manning over Tom Brady.  In 10 years I have never once faltered on that stance...with that said, I was wrong.  Four Super Bowls is absolutely astounding, and the fact that he's been to six and barely lost the other two is equally noteworthy.  Brady has been just as consistent as Manning with less gaudy numbers but his ability to consistently rise to the occasion and lead a team deep into the playoffs just cannot be ignored anymore.  Tom Brady, G.O.A.T.

PS - I've always known Belichick was the greatest coach ever so I'm still 50%.  In baseball that makes me the best hitter ever and in basketball it's either good or great depending on your position.  Take from that what you will.

Does This Look Like the Face of California's Newest Dentist/Arsonist?

A California dentist, who goes by the trademark name "Dr. Leo," is accused of torching two rival dental practices, police say.

Leopold Weinstein, 63, was arrested Friday on three counts of arson of a structure, three counts of attempted arson of a structure and possession of a silencer. He was booked at the Ventura County Sheriff’s Main Jail and his bail was set at $250,000. He is scheduled to appear in court Tuesday.




How do these crimes work?  Does a person get both arson and attempted arson every time?  Because if that's the case Dr. Leo was 3 for 3 - not too shabby for someone picking up arson for business reasons.  I'm not saying Dr. Leo should be burning other dentist offices down.  Arson is a terrible thing, and it's 100% totally and completely illegal.  But what else is a guy supposed to do when motherfuckers start to encroach on his territory and his livelihood?

Competition is tough.  Sometimes people are better than you, cheaper, or more popular, whatever it may be.  What is Dr. Leo supposed to do if that happens?  Adapt?  Move!? Fuck that noise, not Leopold Weinstein, DMD* - his turf, his terms.  If he can't beat 'em, he'll burn those mothers down.

*Doctor of Dental Medicine...because calling them an MD would be presumptuous. 







PS - How about the balls on Dr. Leo trying to make the jump from arsonist to full-blown international assassin with that silencer?  Bro relax, you burned down a couple buildings with some gas and a box of matches.  You should be thanking the cops for catching you when they did before you could hurt yourself.  Fucking Jewish James Bond over here.



PPS - Mandatory Jewish dentist clip.

Lance Armstrong Has Lost His Edge

Source - Disgraced cyclist Lance Armstrong hit two parked cars with an SUV after a night of partying in Aspen, Colorado, but agreed to let his longtime girlfriend take the blame to avoid national attention, police reports show.

Police cited Armstrong with failing to report an accident and speeding weeks after the Dec. 28 accident, but only after his girlfriend, Anna Hansen, acknowledged lying for him.

Armstrong declined immediate comment on Tuesday. His attorney, Pamela Mackey, didn't immediately return a call.

Hansen initially told police she had been driving home from an Aspen Art Museum party when she lost control of Armstrong's GMC Yukon on icy roads, hitting the cars. She said she drove because ''Lance had a little bit to drink,'' according to the reports.

A man who had been renting one of the damaged cars told a police detective that Hansen came running up to his house in high heels, apologizing and promising to pay for the repairs.

''She said, 'I'm Anna, we're the Armstrongs, my husband's Lance, he was just driving maybe too fast around the corner or something,''' the man, Thomas Van Allen, told police, according to the reports.




I gotta say, not a good look for Lance Armstrong here.  I have absolutely no problem with him letting his girlfriend take the blame for it, that was a great idea.  A drunken hit and run is a bad look, especially for a guy like Lance Armstrong who is probably doing anything and everything to try and stay squeaky clean after the whole doping scandal.  But you can't get caught lying about that man, I mean come on how does that even happen?  You successfully lied for a decade under feverish scrutiny, but you couldn't slip the ol' switcheroo past a couple of snooty rich folks in Aspen?  Unacceptable.